Good Vibes Only

 I believe in the intentionality of the universe. I believe that everything in our lives has purpose and a grand lesson but I do no necessarily believe that we do not have any control on the path what so ever. I think that we do in fact hold the keys to our own growth. How we hold onto the things we are not yet ready to face makes a huge difference in where we end up in life. The recent curated space dedicated to the healing of my inner child speaks to the mantra "good vibes only from here on out." 

Its been a tough season for so many of the same reasons here on the farm as it has been for the rest of the world. We are not isolated from the hard financial times and emotional suffering rendered to the rest of humanity thru this pandemic. Its difficult to imagine what will be said about this period in time. I guess it depends on which version of the history wins the day.  Its difficult these days to deal with the fracturing of sisterhood and brotherhood being dealt to us daily by the media. The shaking of shields and breaking of staffs has definitely entered the family space as well.  We are all held hostage in the court of other peoples opinions. The lens which determines safety and threat is covered with the Vaseline of human pain. There are times when I think we are simply unable to see people past the crazy veneer of social media posts and plastered opinions. 

After a tumultuous beginning to the year I really felt inspired to make a space of transition from the wild and wicked world into the womb of the mother spirit. A sacred opening to a place of safety. I wanted the foyer to be this jovial space where you could bask in the wonder of uplifted color and whimsy and forget the outside world. A welcome home to the weary heart. 

For so much of my life I've been hell bent on the hustle. A constant and unyielding quest to prove my birth and my worth.  I feel guilty resting. I'm constantly reminded of all of the to-do's around here and it seems we are never operating to the level of everyone else's expectation and timeline. After a while it can start to feel like everyone has this prescribed deadline for when your gonna get your proverbial shit together and please their vision of your hard won achievement. I don't know why people get like this. It seems that in this culture your only value seems to be on the crap you accumulate that fits the cookie cutter definition of a successful life. My version however of a successful life is to achieve a healed heart and provide that space for anyone else who may need it. Healing from a traumatized space crosses all your boundaries and trips your triggers. If you are not careful your attempts to soothe your own sufferings with the dopamine hit associated with being a helper, you will find yourself in a perpetual state of burnout. Ask me how I know. I know because I'm living the burnout right now and it is awful. I wake up everyday questioning if I'm doing enough to be loved. I ask myself if I'm reciprocating the feelings and commitment expected of me. Am I enough? Am I enough while doom scrolling tiktok when I haven't been out of my pajamas in three days. I'm not depressed y'all. I've discovered I'm just tired. I'm tired of trying to box myself into this version of everyone else's expectation. I'm tired of throwing all my energy into a career to climb some imaginary ladder of bullshit when the reality is they would replace me tomorrow with no thank you or fucks given. Then once your gone they will search every nook and cranny to discover all the ways you were not up to snuff even though they never could have done what they did without you. So where does this leave me? Well, it leaves me with acquiring ninja level boundaries to protect my peace and give me the space to grow, think and reimagine life as I know it. I dream of a softer space, one not filled with hurry and worry.  I'm trying to figure out the proper balance and it is really hard. The constant questions about my commitment to my profession as if that is the only thing that determines my rightful place in society are quite unfulfilling. How much personal sacrifice is enough to appease the endless greed that corporate life has brought to all aspects of the healthcare profession? Its a sickening display. Yet where does one go after 23 years in the field? That is the current issue holding space in my cranium. As an person with ADHD I have so many skills and crafts because I'm constantly dopamine seeking, I could do so many things, but I am looking for the thing that brings me both joy and sustainable income. I'm not sure I will find it in nursing. For the time being I'm content to work my three twelve hour shifts until I figure it out. 

I dream of a haberdashery with a myriad of items that reflects my wide and varied interests. I dream of a little lunch counter where my kitchen witch extraordinaire husband can peddle his delights. Perhaps the finishing of the house will yield less worry of pure finance. The cost of supplies of traditionally sourced these days is quite ridiculous. This is one of the reasons I try to source as much salvage materials as I can. 

  I started this project with the vision of a wall hanging that I wanted to create. A protection spell of sorts. I do all of my design work roughly in my head before I start a space and I really have to see it in order to process the pacing and order of operations. For some people this seems silly but I think every artist has a method that works for them when it comes to giving birth to a vision. It is also my underlying goal to make sure that all the facets of our lives have a space to reside. I think about that a lot in my design workings.  

I wanted to create a space that held a spot for the love and healing of the garden, a visual reminder to relax and feel the protection of the space and still convey a sense of healing and whimsy. My kitties needed a place to perch and eat undisturbed by the pups as well. Its a tall order for a small space and even at this writing I still have a few accoutrements in mind to put into the space. 

So without further ado I present you with healing transition.

The walls were so much fun. I'm no good at drywall taping. I did get better as time went on but I found myself looking for ways to hide my little imperfections. I had been researching mandala decals to put on the wall but couldn't find exactly what I was looking for. Then I found a space online that did custom sizing on stencils. So I ordered a few in varying sizes. I'm not sure what led me to using drywall compound to apply the stencils instead of the paint. I think it was probably from researching how to make molding pieces for furniture. I decided that this may make a nice texture for the walls as well and really make my little mandalas pop.  The intention at first was to paint them but once I got the white against those black walls it was a vibe I totally dug and continued this process. The black color made me giggle because it is called mad as a hatter. Perfect. We are all a little mad here anyway. The picture frames are made from some old windows I had in the barn that had the glass broken out so I repurposed them.

Some years ago I found a huge box of old quilt tops and they have been so very useful for a multitude of things. I made the curtains out of one of those and the curtain tie backs are the waistbands of some jeans that got donated to me as materials for some braided rugs I have in mind.  I try to use as many vintage and recycled things as I can in the décor of the house. It gives me a great amount of pleasure to make something old new again. 

The moon phase hanging came from a fellow witchy friend of mine. It is one of my favorite things in the space and I touch it every time I walk by because it so squishy and comforting. The  little pink  cabinet I found on marketplace and I think I payed 50 bucks for it. I painted it using Annie Sloan chalk paint, and boy that was a learning experience. I think I finally got the hang of layering the colors to achieve the look I wanted but it was a lot of trial and error to get a feel for the medium. 

"Stay wild flower child" is the spirit in which I want to do life. I remember that girl with the flower crown and upcycled dress dancing in the meadows of my youth. I made it several years ago and the window itself was a thrifting find purchased for me by a friend. It reminds me of the freedom of the road between shows, the campouts, the rainbow girls with their poi hoops and fiery displays. The drumming circles late into the night while we danced and dreamed our way to the morrow. What a time to be part of the scene. Ill always be a dead head at heart, forever branded with my bad dancing bear tattoo. Sometimes when I am at shows and the stench of unwashed pits offends my nose I remember what it was like to camp for days and smoke like there was no tomorrow. Patchouli rose in all its glory. It is a constant reminder of the long strange trip. 

The hamsa on the bathroom door stands a a bullshit repellant that aligns with the door from the outside. It is the first thing you see upon entering. If you got nasty energy. I ain't got time, please and thank you ma'am. Take your drama to your momma. The little tie dyed wall was actually an act of whimsical accident. I had a ton of that green paint left and thought well I'll just paint that wall green. But then the inner hippie took hold and whispered tie dye to my soul. The mandalas on the wall have the OM symbol which resonates with the creation frequency. All these things together create a yummy opening experience into my home. These are the factors that bring me relief upon entering, knowing that I am once again deeply held in the womb of safety. 

The next piece in the space is probably one of my most dear possessions. That carousel horse was made for me as a gift by the one and only V.L. Cox, she does some of the art worlds most important social justice work. Having a piece she made just for me was the perfect beginning to the healing work I am doing now. I have a little letter that she wrote to accompany the piece for me and I cant even tell you how wonderful it felt to be seen in such a way by someone who barely knows you. On my birthday a few years ago my husband asked my friends to write some words of encouragement as I was in the throws of nursing during a pandemic. It remains one of the most precious gifts I have ever been given. The heart my husband has to curate such a thoughtful collection from the people I hold most dear, blows me away sometimes. I think, my god I just don't deserve such devotion after the life that I have lived. and that right there outlines my struggle. The deep programming that this period of healing is unraveling.

 I decided to add my own art to the mix. The wall hanging I created marries my love for the refuge of animals, the creative ways that fiber and fabric speak to me and serves as a declaration spell for the energy I wish my home to maintain. I hand quilted it with some handspun silk thread I made from the last little bits of fiber I had left over from a project I did a few years ago. I pulled decorative beads from my mothers collection and instilled in this piece all of things I wish my home to contain. Peace. Love. Hope. Healing. Abundance. And While I am strong I wish a life where that brute strength is no longer needed to muscle thru the day. "Strength and words I have in spades I wish to create my paradise in peace."  I had no idea what that declaration would do in my personal life.. but lets just say it shook out the tomfoolery. It gifted me a clear vision even if it was difficult to endure and to really see. Sometimes your peace means letting go of those who no longer resonate with your journey. People committed to misunderstanding you don't need to have an open invitation to your energy. This is a lesson learned the hard way. Sometimes the healer must be committed only to healing herself and letting others lick their own wounds and tend their own garden away from yours. The letting go hurts, but it is necessary.. 

I really do hope my few little readers are enjoying this journey with me. I've decided to add a pic of farmer Chad doing just one of the little things he does everyday to make this little witch happy. He is the butter to my bread and the pea to my pod. This particular specimen was plucked from the heavens just for me and I cannot imagine doing any kind of life without him. I love you babe. 

Till next time, so long and thanks for all the fish.